Holifrazzle

Ok, the holidays don't really get to me...I guess I just don't make the big of a deal out of them. I go home, eat, sleep, talk to my family and come back to my home a couple days later. It's a good life.

I haven't been blogging much lately. Been a little busy with shows and such. I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and contemplate the way things have been going. I've just been in the "doing" mode. This is what works best for me. Maybe a little too good.

I just recently got some good news. I am planning a small tour on the East Coast for Spring of 2006. :) Can't wait. And hopefully this is just the beginning of more touring. I have been doing some spot gigs througout the midwest and the reception has been amazing. :) I'm having a great time!

that's all I got for now.

peace on earth and in the galaxy....please.
des

back from the.....

....from the....I don't know. I'm back. Nothing too exciting. I just moved which is a trial for me. I love my new place but I am still unpaking and organizing. Glad to be where I am and hope to not move for some time.

Got some shows coming up this week and weekend. Check www.myspace.com/desdamona for the details. I also have new shirt designs that you can check there if you go to my "view more pictures" section.

Other than that I have been traveling a bit around the midwest, doing shows in Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin and in MInnesota, outside the Twin Cities. It's been going very well and it feels good to get into some new spaces and meet new people.

:) Leave me a message. I like to hear what other people have to say.

peace, des

intunes and other things

Desdamona is now digitally downloadable.

goto:

www.itunes.com

also check out:

www.iamcheapcologne.com to hear the latest track I did on the "Something Random" compilation CD - released in November!

Big Brother is HERE!

Just watched 60 minutes and they had a story on Companies who fire employees who smoke....and it's legal. There are companies who have these new health programs that monitor and regulate programs that are built to lessen health care costs.
This makes it easy for them to eliminate the people who have poor health and require more medical assistance.

Now, as much as I agree that it would be great if everyone were healthy I don't see this as a good thing. I don't like smoke so I don't smoke but that doesn't mean that I should be able to decide if someone else can do it or not. I know it's bad for you but I wouldn't want anyone saying to me, "You have to lose 10 lbs or we'll fire you." This is an invasion of privacy and I don't think that your employer she be able to control this part of your life.

I feel like Big Brother is gettin bigger and bigger. There are already many camera's on interstate's and downtown city streets and they are supposedly meant to keep crime down. Ok, I can see that. But everything is becoming more and more controled. People are being lulled into a submissive state. People actually try out to be an "reality shows" that exploit them. They're clammering to get on these shows! It's like we've been tricked and now everyone wants their life on screen. IT's that lure of becoming a star that caught us. But the reality is that these aren't reality shows...They're exploitation, manipulation and it's scary!

This continues to get worse on many levels. Our rights are slowly melting away to the point that we don't even realize that it's happening. Once it's too late, we'll be sorry.

Two years ago my apartment was raided by the cops. Or should I say, armed officers with their guns drawn. There were at least 5 of them who kicked both my front and back doors down, breaking one of them. Upon their entrance I was getting out of the shower - naked. There were running footsteps I heard and then, "Open the door!" But instead of waiting for me to open the door, they kicked it open. and in came 5 cops, guns on me. I was told numerous times to put my hands up. I put them up while still holding my robe in front of me. Had I been in the shower when they came in I don't know what might have happened. I'm sure they would have busted into my bedroom and scared the living shit out of me.

One cop had his gun on me the entire time while the rest proceeded through the apartment. To this day I don't know exactly what or who they were looking for. From what I can gather they were looking for someone who had ties to the people in the apartment below mine and I heard them say, "we saw him come in here."

The only thing they said to me was, "get your hands up!" numerous time. Of course, I was shaking and completely in shock. When they didn't find anything or anyone they left and one of them said, "get your clothes on!" I felt completely violated especially with that last statement. Excuse me, I thought...get the fuck out of my house and don't tell me to get my clothes on! No, I didn't say that - I was scared to move at the time.

I got dressed and it has never been so hard to actually put clothes on in my life. I was still shaking and confused about what the hell just happened.

They left every door of my apartment wide open - and I'm the naked woman inside - hello! Why would you leave the doors wide open. What happened to "serve and protect"?

Once I got dressed I looked out the window and saw at least 10 plain clothed officers - not the ones who were in my apartment. And that freaked me even more. I had talked to my landlord and he had told me to go out and talk to them but at this point I was afraid to walk outside. I didn't know if I would have to walk out with my hands up or if there was New cameras there. So, I didn't go outside. I should have gone outside and found out what the hell happened but I highly doubt that I would have gotten the answers I was looking for.

For the next month or so every noise I heard scared the crap out of me and I couldn't relax in my own house.

Today I saw the cop who had his gun on me the whole time. I will never forget him. I have seen him about 3 times since the raid incident and everytime I see him anger bubbles up inside me. I don't feel safe or like he would help me if I needed it. I don't even feel like he gives a shit. Just doing his "job". I have less and less faith in our police and I know they're not all assholes. I just wish one of them would have had the courtesy to let me know what was happening once they realized that I wasn't involved and I was completely violated. But I guess they can't apologize for stuff like that because then that would mean that they are wrong.

Critical Condition

I have a friend who is critical about everything. At first, I found him to be a great observer who looked deeper into things before he just accepted them. This is good....but, then I slowly came to realize that being critical about everything can tend to just bring you down over a period of time.

Although I think that it is good to question things I also think it is just as important to see the good things about a situation. When you're overly critical you set yourself up to be disappointed on a regular basis. Nothing lives up to your standards and I would think that you would start to feel very alone.

So, for me the lesson is simple. Start to see the great things in people, things, places, events, whatever it is. You might start to see your own spirit lifted and this is always a good thing. Don't get caught in the critique. I think it's bad when you don't think about the things you do or consume but I also believe that you can think too much and analyze something into the ground and completely miss the point.

Fly Away

4/26/05 desdamona
When she came into this world I had to stage a serious intervention. I wanted her to be able to make a decision without having to actually live through all the pain to learn.So I told her of what this world is really made of. She looked at me with eyes of innocense, so intense I could only look for a moment. She twisted her face in order to hear me, see me. I don't know what she saw when she looked at me. I don't know what language heaven speaks so I did my best to translate my speech into something heavenly.

When I told her of the atrocities that we have inflicted upon eachother she wailed and screamed, could hardly breathe. She shook and shuddered and I held her close to me. Her eyes turned from a bright brown to a cloudy dark blue.

When I told her what our knowledge had done to us she smiled a sheepish grin and turned her head to the side as if to say that she could change the direction we are going. Slowly, she began to speak but I could not decipher her poetry. I listened attentively, hoping that my respect would grant me the ability to understand all the love she had to tell me.

I spoke briefly to her about these disease that we spread with ease but at this, she didn't want to hear me...So, I stopped...deciding that maybe I should tell her of something new. So I whispered the song of my childhood, with all the good and bad
the days of cool grass under me, climbing the mullberry trees and hiding where no one could see me...about the peace and violation of innocence. And she looked at me like she already knew. I told her that as she gets older she will turn into only an echo of what she used to be and a charmed laugh rolled out of her throat as if she had the secret to defy time.

I told her that it was probably best if she just flew away. But after all I had to say....she decided to stay.

Stars

Sept. 27 / desdamona
In the city you can't see the stars
mistaking street lights for (the) heaven(s) - no constillations
I used to drive out on gravel roads
lay down on the hood of my car
and watch star after star fall and disappear
In the city, a different kind of star falls here
a different kind a light rides here
Here, enveloped by self doubt and circumstance
we elope on fatal clouds and happenstance
the trance of dreams unweaved from what we once believed
turning into something that will never be
we be-come bereaved with the passing of these pieces of sleep
slipping from youth to early demise
our eyes cannot conjour the colors like they used to
criticism just aint' what we're used to
what we choose changes as life shifts planes
never stagnant, this magnet – shifting back and forth
if only it could take us back to what there was before
so we could overstand this exploration
metaphors become our life long occupation
searching for signs of life inside this deep space station
adoration slips away on disbelief
we can't quite see what others see
seeking new narcotics to nurse our neglected souls
sucking on negativity
thinking we lack when we're fully whole
ignoring chances to be free
stopping in our tracks when we're on a roll
what would life be if we lived successfully
lacking direction, we lose control
acting like we fucked it up intentionally
these super nova newborns burn slowly
ashes to the sun, pheonix rising
hopefully we can see destiny
through the smoke and ashes – to reach past us
through eternity to see the super stars in you
stars in me
stars in you
stars in me
stars in you
amongst the pavement and potholes
angels and lost souls occupy the same space
in time they will collide
it's time to choose sides
lives will be taken so that new can be created
some will be assimilated
wearing sheeps clothes when they're not
just a veil over these problems we got
history repeats for we, wolves and sheep
tranquillity arrives when we choose peace

The Things We Remember

When I was in 4th grade I used to write a lot of notes. My friends and I sent them back and forth almost every day. It was probably really good practice for me because I wasn't the best reader or writer. I was in the lowest reader class which was pretty embarrassing for me and I also had to take one on one speech lessons. It was an S thing.

I remember once, one of my friend must have been mad at me and she told me all the things that were wrong with me. Number one on the list was that I didn't know how to spell “writing”. I spelled it like this, writting. Well, to this day when I write the word writing – I remember the day I learned how to spell it right.

I don't really consider myself to be a great writer. You can read my posts and see that I'm no pro. But what I am good at is expressing my thoughts, off of the page....where it doesn't matter if anything is mis-spelled. And all those, “sally sold sea shells by the sea shore” really paid off. Now I don't have to sit a room the size of a closet and receit alliteration/ poetry to an audience of one.....I get to to do it for lots of people.

Golden's Cd Release @ The Cabooze

Once. Twice. Three times for the Lady.

I did 3 shows tonight. First one in Minneapolis at Walker Church. A sort of celebration and appreciation of the elders in our community. I felt honored to be a part of something like that. I was one of the younger performers there and I kept thinking how funny it would have been if there had been a hip hop crowd there.

Show 2: in St Paul at "Over the Rainbow". A friend asked me to perform at her first all women showcase. It was a good night and I got to meet some new people. Got a headache just before I went on (2nd day in a row) but took some ibuprofin. Didn't seem to make a dent in the inner-head-explosion. But I survived to live through another headache.

Show 3: Downtown Minneapolis at Nochee - a sort of "upscale bar" - at least to me. Possibly a meat market but not sleazy - maybe just a little greazy (men with slicked back hair). Played with The New Congress
Had some lovely, yummy chicken wings for 14.99 - yikes! But they were good and I needed to eat something. I took the ibuprofin on an empty stomach. bah! mistake.

and the wind down: Now I'm home and amazingly, not too tired. I should be because I had a show last night and had to get up this morning for an interview. I'm sure that any moment now my battery is going to run out of juice....so, before I get too low....I'll go.

Thoughts on the Hurricane

Someone sent out a call for responses to the Hurricane. They wanted people to send these reponses. This is what I wrote.

First I will say that I think it is a terrible tragedy and I do understand the desire to rebuild but I think that there is a message that we are missing.

I have never been to New Orleans so I don't have the connection that the people who have visited or lived there have. But I do have compassion and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose everything and not be able to retrieve anything. It would break my heart.

I think that nature is trying to tell us something. Think back just a little bit, the tsunami, multiple hurricane's, and most recently earthquakes. This past weekend I saw a show on public television about a lost city in Asia. They were trying to determine what happened to the city. Why did it get taken over by the jungle? In the end they found that the city had become so big that they had used all their resources, and the toll that the people were taking on the land was too much for it to take. Floods began to take over among other things. The jungle and forrested areas are like sponges and they soke up water. Our cities and towns are not sponges. And the place where they were studying had been a city larger than New York City. Massive tragedy took over the city through natural disasters which probably led to a huge death toll and then disease. I believe that is what is happening to our world today. As it has repeatedly happened throughout history.

I don't think that it is a good idea to rebuild because it is certain to happen again. Certian. Not probably or possible. It will happen again. How many more people have to die before we listen to what the earth is telling us? We are over-populated, we don't take care of our world, and we war like there is no tomorrow, we use all our natural resources and cut down trees because they ruin the "view". Soon, there will be no tomorrow and it will be our fault because we did not read or listen to the signs. We did not try to stop the maddness. We did not respect the land. We will pay the price...many already have.

We are stubborn and we want what we think belongs to us. We want to be resilient and build it up again to prove that we can carry on. It's a nice romantic sentitment. But will our children or their children be the ones who suffer because we weren't going to let mother nature get the best of us? What are we trying to prove by rebuilding? That we can't be knocked down? Well, we CAN be knocked down and maybe we should wipe off the dirt, tend to the wounds and say, " Maybe this isn't going to work out. We had a beautiful city and now it's gone. Let's build a memorial to our city and it's people so that others don't forget. Let's use the money it would take to rebuild and give it to those who lost so much in this tragedy."

You should always listen to your Mother.

But again, I know that I don't fully understand. I have never been there. What I do understand is that I don't want more people to die because of human stubborness and determination. This has happened too many times. We must learn.

Peace,
desdamona

Allow yourself to realize and accept your importance.

Desi

This picture was taken one night after a show by my friend, Dan. Turned out pretty interesting. :)

Biten

When I can, I try and give other artists opportunities because I know how hard it is to get into the scene....especially as a woman. But over the years I've met people who are manipulative and don't have their own true identities and are content to be "biters" or in other words, people who will ride off what you created for yourself - or people who imitate, duplicate, you get the idea. And then get credit for it! eh!!!! What the....

This crap leaves me fuming. Really, you can probably see the smoke billowing from my head. I just don't understand why anyone would ever, ever, ever want to do this. Then people say to me, imitation is a form fo flattery...HA! well, you can keep your flattery. I don't want it or need it. Matter of fact, stay far, far away from me with that crap. It's sort of like "single white female"...yikes!

Try Harder

I'm trying to be nice. Really. I am. But some people just push me over the edge. I think that my problem is that I was too nice when I was younger and so now I've stored up all the annoyance and it has to come out.

I think most people would say I'm a nice person....most. At least I hope so. I don't really want to be known as a jerk. But when someone is really bothering me I find what works best is to let them know in a subtle way initially. Then if that doesn't work you have to get hardcore. You kind of have to let people know that you won't put up with their shit or else they keep bringing it on.

I know I'm being rather vague....because I'm not talking about one specific person. It's actually a couple people that got under my skin and they are making me itch like I have fleas. ick!!!! ok, now I'm laughing. ahhhh, Aveno.

I'm a little crazy...I just wrote a diss poem about someone which isn't something I typically do. I needed to get it out of my system. So that maybe I can just let it go. blah, blah, blah....

sometimesitsuckstobeaniceguy.
des

Poems

Desdamona written April 23, 2005
Twin Cities Tribute
This is as serious as Kanser. I searched the earth and the Atmosphere to find the answer for this D.igital U.nderground Nation. I had this Eyedea to ressurect the Unknown Prophets to remind the I, self, divine that we need to build up our foundation of hip hop respect and put the negativity to rest. But the Truth is a Maze that we trek through and this is only Stage One. We got a lot more to do. So, I prayed to the Mazta. I went to my friend, the one and only Brother Ali. He told me that the answer was already within me and all I had to do is use it. So I use it. Check myself, so I don't abuse it...and I Rek all the Heavyweights who said I couldn't do it. I use my PenSoul as a Manifestor of Mindcontrol and it has been said that I'm O.n S.omethin' P.ersonal. I come Phull Circle. I am the versitile Dialog Elevator, better known as a fierce RhymeSayer. I use Traditional Methods, translate them through the future and Beyond. And all I want is to be remembered when I'm gone. To the CORE this Crescent Moon is a Fundamentalist with Twisted Linguistics and if I get pushed too far Out of Bounds, my opponent will catch a Deadfist . I am a Dtekh-tive so don't try to act like you No-Mi - like using the name my mother gave me, makes you my homie. I got Abilities and I am Illicit, constantly creatin' Many Styles. I use these Inkproof Indigo, Mystic blues to break Illusions and I tell the truth Extreme, always blatant-ly – Insanely Beautiful. Poized and Concentrated I get the crowd emotionally naked. This ain't a game to me. It's somethin' sacred. Like a King, IXL past the mediocrity and I bring into vision Arkology. There is Knonam that can completely describe me. If you can't pronounce Desdamona correctly maybe you can Try-D. I be the lyrical Orikal, the Golden Soundsmith of speech and I'll give it to ya 2Times cause that's how I teach. I got Big Quarters in my pocket. 75 cents from these Odd Jobs – I'm on my knees...but you know I still shine like the Illuminous 3. This new breed is widening the Gene Poole. It's time we leave this Freshnest and send these b boys babies off to school. I watch these Stereotype Click MC's go to lyrical war. These Battle Cats steady seek Xcaliber. This Abstract Pack perpetually rock mics and get wicked with the RDM. Once they tried to school me and make me their Protegee but I was like, “A Money, I'm a Kamillion and I'm gonna do this my own way!” I've witnessed the Carnage and I had the Capacity to endure – waded through the water – proof that I am the Purest Form of flesh while the Gardians of Balance put me to the test. I withstood the HEAT and I made my own way and every experience I had made me who I am today. So, I give Heiruspecs to the peoples pushin it for-words. To all the Native Sons, Native Ones and daughters. This is a Mikchek message and a love letter to all the music makers in these Twin Trac-Cities and if I forgot your name it doesn't mean that I don't think you're worth the time...it just didn't fit into the rhyme and I got love just the same.

R.hythm A.nd P.oetry
(Iwanted to be an MC) Desdamona 1998

Sometimes I rhyme slow / sometimes I rhyme quick / You thought I was Nice -n-Smooth but I'm really just Slick, Rick / “...I tick and I talk...” with my biological clock / And I crawl when I can't walk / I've seen Joy and Pain and realized that there's always sunshine after the rain / I Got it Made / “...got everything from cotton to suede...” / Seen The Ledge from the edge / wanted to be a Leader of the New School
but ended up in Special Ed / They told me I was Too Short and too Vanilla Ice
Said I shouldn't rock the mic because I wasn't Too Hype / They called me MC Lyte and it wasn't because I was skinny / I thought PE stood for physical education
I called in a request and they said I had the wrong station / I drifted from the Pharcyde 'til I saw the De La of my Soul / The beat kept passin' me by so I decided to let it go / I found a honeycomb and that's where I met A Tribe Called Quest but the Killa Bees chased me outta the nest / I just wanted to be a part of the Goodie Mobb but they told me I was just an Outkast and that I would never Everlast /
So I went down to the Lords of the Underground / But they told me not to BustaRhyme / They said, “Common Sense will tell you that it's just not the right time.” / I went from Biggie to Smalls to find lyrcis that fit / Then they asked me if I was ready to be a True Fuschnick / They showed me the M.E.T.H.O.D. And the Treacherous Technics / They blessed me with the rhythm but I still couldn't find the beat / They scribed Hieroglyphics and traced it back to the Roots / I saw The Show and then I got Juiced / I met this cat named Eric B and I asked him to listen / But he told me I didn't Rakim and then he started dissin' / I “...put the needle on the record...” and thought the sound was Mos Def / Went to the store with 50 Cent and bought some Eminems / I passed out on the way back to my house / My mom found me on the sidewalk / with water she doused / She said, “Are you Conscious Daughter? Or should I call Dr Dre?” and I said, “ No, no...it's ok. I just need a tall glass of LL Cool J.” / That night I dremt of Black Stars and jazzy Digable Planets and it made me feel high Then I saw a little Redman floating through the sky / The Beastie Boys who lived next door woke me up / the little creeps / And they said, “If you're gonna be an MC, don't sleep!” / I thought, these Souls of Mischief have got to be Alkaholics / 'Cause they took my bottle of Brass Monkey and then they stole my wallet / That's when I realized that this hip hop thing wasn't for me / So, from then on I called all my rhymes poetry

Hamburger Dreams

For the past 2 nights I have been dreaming about hamburgers. I don't usually eat red meat but....I broke down and went to the store and bought some yesterday. Made myself a burger and it was great. Maybe I'm iron deficient or something. Today I was craving another....so I had one.
I've been trying to lose some weight so I'm sure that won't help but maybe I'll just have to make an extra lap around the lake today.

Pissed off about EVERYTHING

Lately I have come in contact with a couple people who are just constantly mad about something. In my dealings with them I realized that it's easy to fall into the maddness of being mad about petty things and then carrying around that baggage and putting it on other people. Ridiculous!

There is this kid I know and he thinks he knows everything. He's about 21 years old so you know where he's at. I don't think I have ever heard him say anything nice. He is constantly telling people how dumb they are and that they are wrong...and that he is right....and it's always in a defensive or abrasive tone. It makes me wonder how this kid even has any friends.

Anyone outside his circle of friends is a NOBODY to him.

It makes me wonder what his everyday life is actually like. It must be absolutely miserable. Constantly mad or annoyed by someone. Always believing that he's right and that everyone else on the face of the planet is a complete idiot. What a lonely and depressing world.

I hope that he figure it out soon and sees that life is what you make it. And if you don't believe in other people, you don't really believe in yourself. There's so much negativity around us on a daily basis....why create more? What's the point?

Maybe he had a bad childhood and just hasn't gotten over it....but I read something the other day - can't remember where - it said, "You had a bad childhood but now it's over." I thought to myself, "yeah." for real. It's over so move on up and out of that black cloud. It's over. Just keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll believe it one of these days.

------

Today I ran into a guy at the grocery store. I didn't recognize him at first but I had actually gone on one date with him about a year ago. He was at the pay phone. I smiled a said hello when he spoke and then I just kept walking inside. It didn't dawn on me yet who he was.

But of course, on my way out I see him again. Actually he came into my line and walked in front of other people acting as if he was with me. I paid for my things. Then he paid for his while asking me why I never called him, and things like, "I thought we had a good time." etc. He was obviously hurt by my not calling him. I also noticed that his button down shirt was buttoned wrong and I could have been nice and told him so but I thought, nahhhh...

So, let me tell you what happened on the "date". We went to the Mall of America (not my top of the list date place). he was hungry so I told him how to get to Dixie's in St Paul. He had never been there and actually acted scared to go to a place he had never been. He asted weird almost the whole time we were there but was pleasantly suprised with the food. For about 10 minutes he stood outside (me, inside) and talked on his phone. Then he came back in. We split the bill and left. Then we stopped at 2 different houses where I got to stay in the car while he went in and was gone for 15-20 minutes both times. I had somewhere to be in the evening so I asked if he would take me home. He said he didn't want me to leave. I told him that I would call him when I was done, to appease him. I wasn't going to call. I wanted to escape. I felt like a prisoner because he kept saying he didn't want to take me home. But, he did. Before he took me he reached over and grabbed my head and gave me an UNWANTED kiss. I pulled away - and told him that I didn't want to kiss him. He tried again. I just about flipped on him. I said, "you don't TAKE a kiss from someone." He didn't get it....at all. Like he deserved what he wanted. Finally, he brought me home but I was a little scared the whole way and I was regretting that fact that he knew where I lived.

I didn't call him that night. And I don't think that he called me either but I can't remember.

So - back to the store. I stood outside and talked to him for about 5 minutes. The whole time he was asking why I didn't call him. I told him he was too agressive and replayed the kissing scene. What do you know, he still didn't get it. Then he kept asking hypothetical questions like, "if I wouldn't have done that do you think we would be together?"

He asked for my number. I said no. He asked if he could give me his. I said no. (this is the typical, can't take NO for an answer)He said why. I told him I was seeing someone. As I was saying this he began talking to himself about the magazine he had. Then he proceeds to tell me that it looks like I've gained weight. (I've lost weight) and then says some remark about the "person I'm seeing" - 2 Nice little jabs at me because I wouldn't give this idiot my freaking number. Then he just started to walk away. My guess is that he wanted me to follow him. HAHAHAHAAAA! I walked to my car and smiled to myself. Thank god I got away from that creep. I would like to meet his mother and see if she knows that her son doesn't know a thing about chivalry, kindness or simple respect. Does she know her son is possessive, agressive and completely inept? Probably not.

Write with the moon. Right with the moon. Rite with the moon.

Desdamona 2004


When the moon is full I write with invisible ink
It slides down my page onto my legs
Invades my private space
Leaving traces of ink to sink into my lunar legacy

Words capture me like winged freedom inside a butterfly net
Bitter sweet captivity
Words
The only things that still me
Sooth me
Cure me
Kill me

My wings powdered delicately
Laced with my dangerous emancipation
If I could truly be all I was meant to be
You just wouldn’t believe

When the moon is at three quarters
Life seems shorter
A cup almost full of water
Minus one swallow
Swallow sings on sultry, slippery seams
Of what is and what used to be me
Song bird sing to me

While the moon is but a sliver
A sharp slice of peace
I feel empty
Darkness invading my privacy
Moon always watching me


And while the moon is fraternizing with her midnight sky
My eyes open wide to see if I might find some of her secrets
She twists the tides and turns them into seasons
Each wave
One of her reasons for being

And me and my body of water is imprisoned gracefully by her gravity
She can only confine but never truly capture me
She births and nurtures me
Buildings burdens to flirt with me and my capacity to endure

She is pure divinity
Placed in my sight to remind me
That she will remain here long after I leave
A mother
So inclined to outlive her offspring
A mother so divine she will outlive her offspring

When the wind blows....

I've been walking around the lake every day since Labor day and I have to say that it is so refreshing. The weather has been great and even on the cooler days the sun is still shining. This is my favorite time of year. While other Minnesotans have a dark cloud over their heads and they are complaining about their impending doom, I am simply happy with the whole thing. The air smells great and we get a little bit of everything. Sun, rain, wind, cool, warm, great sunsets. How could anyone complain? Yes, winter is coming but the past few years have been fairly mild. I like winter anyway.

Yesterday at First Avenue I performed for the 25th Annual MN Music Awards. I played with some friends of mine, The New Congress. It was a great night! I won an award for "best spoken word artist" but I didn't win the other 3 I was nominated for. It doesn't even matter because the best part of the night was being able to perform. I can't even begin to explain how much fun it was and from the looks of it, the crowd was lovin' it too. I had my friend Nikki dance to the introduction so she got everybody into it. fabulous! While this was all going on there was a storm raging outside. I think that a tornado touched down some where near Minneapolis. But, I missed it all because I was at the awards.

This morning I got up and went to walk around the lake and I got to see what the storm had left behind. There were branches and twigs every where, strewn across the grass. It kind of looked like maybe the trees got into a little scuff and lost their cool along with some limbs and leaves. On my walk through this earthly cemetary of broken trees there was a steady wind pushing itself across the lake, rattling the leaves that managed to hold tight to their owners. There is always a wind around the lake but today it was stronger than normal. Everytime the wind kicks in I can't help but smile and sometimes I laugh because of it's force. I can't believe that something so invisible can be so strong. It's just amazing to me and I love it...the way it sounds and the way it feels.

When I perform I kind of go to a different place and it all comes out of me. I don't really pay attention to what I'm doing....I just do it. I hope that I create that wind when people are listening to me.

Drunk Boys

Tonight I had a show at the Dunkytowner. For those who don't know, the Dinytowner is a bar in Dinkytown, which is part of the U of M campus. So, as we all know....campus equals drunk college kids. Or girls sitting at the door of the bar in front of a trash can, leaned over, on her way to passing out. Yes, that really happened.

So, in this scenario I do feel a little old and sometimes out of place. I have never drank in my life. Never been drunk or anything. Seeing people totally out of control makes me worried about them and their safty, even when I don't know them. But that's not what I want to write about.

Here it is: I am at the merch table before I go on for my set. I'm just sitting there minding my own business. A few people come and talk to me. Everything is cool. Then a young man comes and sits on the other side of the table with a few friends. This is normal because it's where all the merchandise is so, random people sit at the table.

One of the guys on the other side says, "How'd you get those?" and I said, "What?" and here said, "Those things in your hair." (those things in my hair were rubberbands) So I tell the guy I put them in my hair and he acted astonished that I did it myself (ok, the dude is drunk). Then he gets up out of his chair and comes over to me. He comes in real close and says, "You have beautiful breasts and beautiful hair." Then he slides his hand down my back onto my ass!!!!!! I move his hand and don't say anything. He says something else to me but I don't hear him. "What?" and he says he doesn't remember. So, I say, "Well, I'm about to perform..." - in an attempt to get him to set back a little. He says, "Is that a sign for me to back off? I think that's a sign for me to back off." And he stumbled his way back to the other side.

I saw him try to talk to about 3 other girls. This guy was so drunk he couldn't even act normal, stand up or even sit down without his chin dropping like he was asleep. Normally, I might be offended by what he said but I know that he was totally out of control and bad judgment in the form of alcohol had clouded his faculties to the point where I just felt sorry for the dude and tried to imagine him sober. Was he an asshole when he was sober? Or a nice guy? Hmmm, hard to tell. But one thing I do know is that he's going to have a rough time tomorrow and he won't remember anything he did tonight.

The other day....

I got an email from someone praising my work as an artist. They then proceeded to ask me to be involved in an event to raise awareness and funds for an organization that shall remain nameless. These kinds of emails are pretty typical in my life. I have done many benefits and fundraisers for many different non-profits and arts organizations.

Their request was that I host an event and I would also perform bewteen acts. Now, hosting is a J.O.B. which is probably why they asked me to do it. It ain't easy and I'll be honest and say that most of the time it really ain't all that much fun. It's work! I host an open mic every week and sometimes it can be the most annoying night. And then sometimes it can be fabulous. So, when people request this of me I have to take this into consideration.

I recently decided that if people want me to host and since it is a larger responsibility than a 15-30 minute performance (which is something that I love to do, by the way), then I would have to charge for hosting. I will perform for free for a cause that I believe in or an organization that is really doing something important.

I do respect the organization that requested my talent but I have to admit that when I responded to their request saying that I would perform for free but if they wanted me to host, I would need to be compensated - and they responded back, I have to approve it with the commitee - In my mind I was like, didn't you already want me to perform? But I guess they didn't. They wanted me to host. The performance they suggested was just to appease me. I need money to appease me. geez!

I know that it wasn't their intention to disrespect me - but this is typical treatment of an artist. Our real skills are not valued the way that they should be (even by our selves). People don't understand that some of us do this for a living. We're not just doing it for fun. It's out livelihood. Even an offering of $20 would be welcome by us. It's our time, our hearts, our talents, and our selves we're giving. Isn't that worth something?

It is to me. And this is really all I have.

One more thing to fear

Anybody see, “The Next Big One” on abc? Just curious because I caught some of it.

It was basically a show intructing you what to do if there were a nuclear bomb dropped in your city. Things like, take a shower to wash off the radiation right away. Duct tape and plastic windows, etc....and Goto a room closed from the outside. Don't get in your car....Stuff like that.

Well, I'm sure those are all great things to know if something like that were to happen. But something in me feels like the whole thing is just another way to keep us fearful about the possibility of terrorism. It is good to be prepared but there are certain things that you can never prepare yourself for.

I do hope to live a long and happy life but when it is my time to go – it is my time. And hopefully nothing like this will happen in our lifetime or our childrens. It would be a terrible tragedy. And I hope that it would lead us (all of the world) to finally learn that these weapons and wars are not the answers to our problems. They only cause more problems, more destruction, more death, more war, more hate. And what good are any of things?

I don't want to sound pesimistic but sometimes I wonder if the human race is just meant to kill itself off. Like we're a bacteria on the earth and we're going to eat it alive with our wars and garbage. I would prefer to think that we are antibodies and we could change all this. Anybody with me?

I want to be unique

I have always thought of myself as being unique. Actually, that's not true. I have prided myself in being unique. I remember striving to be unique as a teenager. I didn't want to be like anyone else. I never did anything really extreme. My unique-ness was brought out through creative expression, humor, dance, visual art and the way I dressed.

Now that I'm older and a little more "regular" than I used to be I'm glad that that's how I started out. It helped me become more independent and I am not afraid to express my opinions and thoughts. I express myself through hip hop, spoken word, singing, laughing til I cry....You get the idea.

I recently over heard a conversation where a young female hip hop mc said that she liked being the only girl in her crew because it makes her unique. My heart sunk a little when I heard her. This is where we're at? So, if there were 2 girls in the crew you would no longer be unique?

Has this belief stopped her from collaborating with other women? Probably. If she were to work with another woman would there still be underlying competition (the unhealthy kind)? Would she undermine other's efforts? Or would they undermine hers?

This is a problem in the hip hop community and possibly the whole community. Women feel so competitive against eachother that they can never get too close. We have our friends that we've known for a long time but anyone else has a slim chance to actually become very close to us. There can only be one girl in a hip hop crew. The token. Because you know, women can't get along.

I think this is total crap and at the same time I find myself thinking some of these same things from time to time. But the reality is, what makes me unique is NOT that I am a woman, or the only girl in the crew. What really makes me unique is the fact that only I can tell my story, my way. And I am the only one who knows my whole story.

There's millions of men & women on this earth....But only one of me.

This is where I am from

When people ask me where I am from I always hestitate because everyone seems to be so critical and judgmental. I guess I don't feel like telling people where I am from on the map can give them a clear idea of where I am really from. The people I am from. The love I am from.
My Dad just sent me the story below. Read it and you will have a better idea about where I am from. It's not a state or a town. It's people and their stories. That's where I come from.

Storytellers by Perry Ross

There were at least six storytellers that had a big impact on me during my childhood. There was a cousin, Herb Beard; my grandfather, Perry Mendenhall; Dave Ross, another cousin; a childhood friend named Billy Jackson; and, of course, my mother and father who had a profound impact on me.

Herb was a colorful character that lived along the Skunk River near Faulkner Bridge. He had red hair and was always dressed in bib overalls and seldom wore shoes. He usually didn't wear a shirt under the overalls. The only time I ever saw him with shoes and a shirt was when he came to town and in the wintertime when we visited his house. I am not sure if he owned a coat.

The thing I remember about Herb's stories is that they started almost before you saw him so by the time he got to you he was well into it. He could weave a tail that he swore was true. There are the stories Herb told and then there are many stories about him that I will tell in time.

My grandfather, Perry, was a great storyteller and shared his tales with a smile. He was a great fisherman as well, which naturally goes hand in hand with storytelling. Back before television, great sources of stories were neighbors, friends and relatives who brought news when they came to visit. My mother says in her childhood days her home was a beehive of visitors…everyone with stories to tell and I am sure Grandpa did his share.

Dave Ross, my father's cousin, visited our home many times as I grew up. He originally was from the Merrimac area and liked to reminisce with my father. He often came around Old Threshers time. Each time he came he brought new stories and memories. He was so funny that many times I couldn't contain myself and I would burst out laughing even before he started to talk. Dave watched the stories play out in the eyes of his listeners and could tell when the story was going well and when to add a new twist. He would often begin to get this slight smile on the left side of his lips when he could see the story was going well. Dad taped many of Dave's stories. One I remember was the time Dave went to the doctors in Ottumwa to have a cancerous spot removed from his nose. He said, “They cut me up so bad I didn't know what piece to bring home!” We laughed hard every time he told us that one!

Billy Jackson came to our house regularly as we grew up. He would often show up and stay forever. My mother often had to prompt him repeatedly when it was time for him to go home. I guess he must have liked us. Billy could weave a story like no one else. He would start out with something completely believable and it would grow until it couldn't possibly be true. All the time he would watch your reaction and carve out the story. Most of the time, I think, he knew he wasn't fooling us but that didn't stop him from trying.

Of course, the truly great storytellers in my family were my parents. My mother can paint stories with words that could draw in any listener. I remember, at bedtime, her weaving stories for me using the images on the wallpaper in my bedroom. That wallpaper is still there. When you visit sometime look for the stories on the wall. They are still there. She can make a story out of anything! Mother is such a master of words that she can create vivid images in a line and a whole story in a poem. She still tells about her days with Lucille, the time the gypsies came to their house, riding her horse, her doll being thrown down the cistern, and many more.

My father savored good stories and searched them out by reading, researching, listening to others, and drawing on his own imagination. He would track down local folklore and try to determine if there was some truth to it. I remember him tracking down a story about a boy being killed in the mill at Merrimac. The story was that a boy working there was sent to the third floor of the mill to oil the gears. They were huge and he was pulled into them and crushed. Dad said he saw the blood stains on the floor when he was a boy. For sometime the old timers he talked to said it didn't happen but then his research led him to the Fairfield Ledger with a possible name and a three-year range that it might have happened. After pouring over microfiche of the papers for hours he found the newspaper story about the incident. He was elated.

Although storytelling is entertaining it was and is how we make sense of our life experiences. Sometimes they have to be told over and over before they begin to make sense. I often say, “there is no stopping a good story” It is fundamentally necessary to our existence. Without stories we can never learn. Listen to the stories. Listen to your own story.

Poem

April30, 2005 desdamona
Lips eclipse seduction
rips in hips introduction
to this hiss of meditation
creation tainted by eruption
global malfunction
destruction where there used to be nurture
torture torn and sewn by suture
future unsure a blur - pure
and impure
lure-ing in to truth demise
entranced dance
even fool the wise
close my eyes in awe-ful bliss
don't come close – I just want the kiss
time has caused my rhyme to miss
the target – and now I harness all this
adoration I carry
but the intention – outcome
tend to vary
I marry rhythm for the love of mine
mis-defined love this time
mistified I close my eyes
to rewind and find sublime
love it is not what the say
locked away – in my heart, it stays
sways with rain and wind and light
pouring forward – my delight
capture crust and only see the edge
far from depth – I walk the ledge
dredge through this dichotomy
truth – not what it used to be
come love / rapture in my heart
together when we are part
sufficient, I am separate
until, of love, we both forget
twist the succulent divine
until the you - inside of mine
capture caress upon my breast
be the last - sweetest breath
speak my name after I leave
for it will be
all there is and was of me

Listening

I was recently on KQRS' Homegrown show. It should be up for the next couple weeks at this link:
Homegrown Radio

I'm on the Sept. 4th show. Check it out and leave me some feedback if you feel like it.

Also,if you haven't checked out The Current 89.3fm Minneapolis you should really take a listen. And you can request your favorite local artists too.

Go here to request your favorite Minnesota artists!

The Current

Minneapolis Farmers Market

Join Global Vision Imports this Sunday, September 11th, at the Minneapolis Farmer's Market for a day long celebration of PEACE!!! Music, poetry, dance and more...


WHAT: A day long visualization, celebration, invitation, manifestation of PEACE!
WHERE: The Global Vision booth (look for the PEACE banners) at the Minneapolis Farmers Market...200 Lyndale Ave N. The corner of Glenwood/Lyndale... (under the freeway from International Market Square)

SCHEDULED PERFORMANCES:8-10am:
Open Mic...take a 10 minute block of time to read your favorite peace poem, share some uplifting stories or spread a vision of a world of peace and prosperity for all...
11am: Hip-hop spoken word artist DESDAMONA shares her passion with the incomparable rhythms of LADY TOBALYUS on percussion and guitar.
12pm: Be dazzled by the smooth salsa moves of the lovely Fatima Cochi and her amazing dance partner Luis Garcia.

PLUS>>>
Chair massage, travel talk/slide show, photos for PEACE, uplifting conversation, inspirational reading and heartwarming hugs


***Profits from sales of PEACE merchandise to be shared by the Red Cross ( for Katarina relief) and the MPT (an Iraqi organization headed by local businessman Sami Rasouli working to re-build Iraq)***

Back to the Light

I've noticed that I'm not nearly as nice as a used to be. Actually, I may have been too nice and somehow I have eased my way to the dark side. Maybe it's because bullying can get to a girl. I know we've all been bullied but the thing about it is, we all deal with it in different ways. I guess my way, and I hate to admit it, is to shut down or judge people & hold grudges.

I wish it wasn't true. But I do hold grudges and I will quickly cut someone off if I feel they have treated me disrespectfully or manipulated me. I have many friends who put up with these behaviors from some of their friends. Honestly, it sort seems like martyrdom – but I know that's just me judging again. I just refuse to let people manipulate me. Who knows what they really want from me? I don't want to find out.

I know there are a lot of insecure people out there and of course, we can all be insecure about things. But when your personal insecurities interfear with relationships it gets messy partially because we don't know that we are projecting our insecurities and also because it leads to misunderstandings. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But then I think of something Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are believe them the first time.” Maybe it's harsh but it eliminates the prospect of any further chaos and confusion. I'm all about eliminating chaos.

The people who are my close friends are people I admire, respect, appreciate and in almost every case we can talk about anything. I don't feel manipulated by them and if I did I know I could talk to them about it. My friends have integrity and a good sense of who and what is around them. It's never all about them. They are compassionate and intelligent and I am lucky to have such good people in my life. They teach me to be more accepting and that maybe I'm a little too hard on people. We all make mistakes. We all have faults. They help me to see that holding grudges and judging people only feeds into the behavior, which means I become what I say I hate. I don't want that. No one does. So, it's time to ease back over to the light and let it go. Right? Right! Write.

Preditor & Prey

One of my friends who is a recovering addict told me that when he was having an evaluation upon entrance into a half way house they told him that he was a preditor. I almost laughed when he told me because I had never thought of him in that way. He's probably one of the most polite and respectful men I know, outside of my dad. He told me that he was floored when he was told that he was a preditor and thought it was a bit extreme, to say the least. But he also admitted that he was probably acting like a preditor. He just didn't realize it and how it manipulated others.

I have met preditors up close and personal as I believe that all women have. Now, I'm not talking about rapists or violent people. The preditor behavior I'm talking about is passive aggressive and I think most women find it a form of flattery.

I host an open mic every week at a local restaurant. We have a live band and many artists from various backgrounds who come down to listen or perform. We are just starting our third year and in this time I have been the host and people watcher. I've seen the effect that alcohol can have on nice people, and I have seen idiotic behavior and unnecessary fights, in this mostly peaceful environment. This is also the perfect place for a preditor to scope out and find his next target.

One of the musicians who used to come down on a regular basis was the poster boy for preditor. You may not have known it by looking at him though. He was attractive and works in his church and a leader and director. But when he was present at the open mic he seemed to be an entirely different person. Many times he would come near me, head tilted down, eyes up, looking me up and down....and actually acting like a lion ready for the kill. I'm not overexaggerating. It was blatant and in my eyes, totally disrespectful and made him look like a complete fool.

I asked him to stop numerous times but he contunued as if he thought it was funny. He would say sexual things when he thought he could get away with it – nothing too out there, but enough to make me back up. It was mostly the way he would circle around me or come behind me and pull my hair. There were also times when he came over to me and said, “come here.” as he tried to pull my by the arm over to some other spot in the room. No, he didn't ask me to come over or even take me by the hand. He'd either grab my upper arm or my wrist and try to pull me to where he wanted me to go. My response was to pull away – every time.

The problem with this possessive and preditorial behavior is that many women get treated in this way on regular basis and THEY PUT UP WITH IT! I think that women want someone to want them so badly that they see this behavior as desire and it makes them feel special. And I see some men who act like this and I don't even think that they realize what they are doing. I think we are raising men to act in this way. It's not all their fault....or ours. But, there obviously needs to be a change in how women are treated.

As a women some of the things I have heard men say that were directed towards me have literally made me stop in my tracks...and it wasn't to turn around and say HI. I have had a boy on the street make sexual remarks to me. I could have been his mother. That's how young he was. I've been in the mall and had young men say things as I'm walking down the hall. I've been downtown, walking down the street and a man followed me for a whole block trying to get me to talk to him, telling me he had a bachelor's degree, and sayin, “Come on, I have a college degree. Come on!” Finally, I turned around and said, “Man, I'm trying to walk down the street and I need you to leave me the fuck alone.” He left me alone but he caught a women coming from the other direction.

I don't even feel like walking in my own neighborhood and it's not a fear of violence that stops me. It's that I don't feel like getting howled at or having a car drive slowly down the street only to pull up next to me and stare at me. All of the things I have mentioned can tend to feel like a prison and have also hindered me from doing the things that I want to do. I hate that that is true....but it is.

Women are taught to be aware of others and to mother. I know I'm gerneralizing but I do think that women are more aware of the needs of people around them, even strangers. My hope is that men will start opening their eyes a little wider and even check their own and others actions before doing any of these things to women.

This might sound crazy...

But with the tragedy New Orleans and all the surrounding areas I'm starting to see something locally.

They've been building all these new apartments, and condos...and I have been wondering who the hell is movin in. So now, I have this theory....that within the next 5-10 years a lot of people will be moving to the midwest because of all this terrorism and natural disasters. The midwest has the illusion of being safe and I think people will start migrating to the middle of the nation.

There has been talk of a big earthquake coming on the west coast...seems we're getting hit from every side.

So, I still don't know who is moving in to the new condos but I think Minneapolis is about to have a big population boom. And maybe they have some exceptional city planners who can see stuff like this coming - some kind of psychic - and they're planning ahead. Ok, I know I really sound crazy now but when it happens you'll be like, "yo, des was right!"

Then I can start my 1 800 psychic line....Call me now for your free reading!



peace, des

In the process...

It's been a while. I'm in Philly ending a week long stay to promote my new release, The Ledge. (goto sidebar to check it out on cdbaby.com) It's been a good. HOT trip and I have made many connections and learned a lot along the way. This time around I felt like I was doing a lot of the connecting work. Next time it will be even better.

I met a lot of great people, sold some CD's, spoken to people about some collaborations that I hope to make happen and I performed in some great venues in Philly and NYC.

NYC was HOT...Like, hotter than I can even begin to explain and I had no escape so I just had to deal. Saw the movie Hustle & Flow while I was there and it was better than I had expected. Also played at Asford & Simpson's, Sugar Bar. It was this great little spot in Manhattan and they had incredible sound. ! I played with Gabrielle & Tangible Truth and my friend Rhapsody. The crowd was great and so were all the other performers. I would love to go back and do it all again....without the heat.

Was also on a couple radio stations - Temple University's Radio station in Philly 90.3 fm / and 88.1 fm on Tracee Lynn's show, Writer Blocks. It was great to have the chance to be on Philly radio. Much props to my girls Deirdre & Rhapsody for really making it all happen. Booking, flights, travel and all that including friendship! They went the extra mile to help me out and I am grateful to have people who care so much.

I leave for Minneapolis this coming evening. I wish I could stay longer but I have a feeling I will be back soon.

I Can't Believe it!

FROM SLY & ROBBIE AND ZLINK ENTERTAINMENT:

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE 'PRINCESS OF THE POEM' DESDAMONA FOR YOUR STELLAR ALBUM 'THE LEDGE' AND FOR YOUR THREE...YES, THREE MINNESOTA MUSIC AWARD NOMINATIONS!! NOT BAD FOR A POET, HUH? :)

LET'S ALL GET OUR VOTES IN FOR OUR FAVORITE MN MUSICIANS http://minnesotamusicacademy.org/pdf/MMA_BALLOT_05.pdf
Desdamona was nominated for:

* BEST SPOKEN WORD ARTIST
* BEST HIP HOP RECORDING
* ARTIST OF THE YEAR

CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN, DES!

Another One from my Dad

Confession



I killed them…both of them. It was a cold blooded methodical murder. I shot the first one over and over until it fell to the ground and then I did the same to the other one. I left them dead in the gutter and walked home. I am not proud of this and have regretted it for years. I shouldn’t have done it but it can’t be undone now.



When I first got my gun my parents gave me clear directions about its appropriate use. Don’t shoot people, houses, windows or anything that would break. They did give me limited permission to shoot birds…sparrows and starlings, and never could I shoot a robin. They didn’t say anything about doves.



So, in a short time, all of the birds in the neighborhood were wise to me and flew away quickly if they saw me with the B-B gun. That is when I spotted the pair of Mourning Doves on the telephone wires at the corner of Madison and White. I walked to the corner and stood under them and pumped B-Bs into each one until they fell to the ground. I was puzzled that they didn’t try to fly away even after I started shooting them. After the first one was killed the second one stayed on the wire until I had completed the dirty deed. The Guide to North American Birds says that doves are a solitary bird that sometimes feed in flocks. I don’t believe it. This was a pair and I have seen them in pairs in my yard many times.



When the neighbor on the corner reported to my mother what I had done she was heartbroken. She was so upset that she didn’t or couldn’t say much to me but I knew what I had done was terribly wrong. My father’s only comment was something like, “You give a boy a B-B gun and he’ll shoot anything.” I wasn’t punished but felt like I should have been.



I have heard people say and have said myself that having a dove visit you is a sign of good luck. Several pairs have nested and raised their young in our yard each year. They seem to use our deck as a play pen for their immature young. It is fenced in for the most part and safe from cats. The adults usually stand watch on one of the posts. These doves act as though they know me and are a reminder of my childhood foolishness. They don’t seem to fear me at all and I can pass within a few feet of them without them even acting nervous. I think doves are a sign of good luck and, maybe, even forgiveness. I hope so!

poem

12/26/04 Reach Past This - by Desdamona

Reach
past this
flesh
Those who create have mastered the art of living forever
even if they only exist to collect dust
Up in attics there are stacks of inspiration
Down in basements where there are lost archives
singing, playing, speaking, moving
patiently waiting for someone to find them again
Reach past this flesh
This is your chance
to tell your story
My father told me that the greatest thing that I could give the world
is my story, my voice, my perspective
because no one else can tell it
So, go tell it
Reach past this flesh
Poets create new life in new worlds
because this one seems so hard to survive in
so they write new realities
turning casualties into martyrs, heros and myths
This is beyond any one culture or any one belief
These stories belong to the people who receive them
not to the people who speak them
These stories come from cities and villages all over the world
There is no culture or continent that has no story to tell
reach past this flesh
and rest inside so that you can better understand
your reality
It is not whether the story is true or false
It's the story that matters
the expression and existence, the proof that we were here
We have no right to stop the story
to abandon or misplace it
We must tell the story
so that it can continue
Tell a story that does not yet exist and watch it turn into reality
Reach past this flesh
and you will know that life is eternally spinning, weaving
and creating new stories and new life
Look into a babies eyes and you will see a life that you cannnot even begin to imagine the span of
cannot predict the future for, cannot fully give them the story of the past so that they can truly grasp all the lessons that should have been learned in the process
Reach past this death
and know without a doubt
that your story will change lives
no matter how slightly
and be confident that your breath had purpose beyond it's capacity

Strange but true

ok, it's about 9 minutes after 1am. I have been up watching movies and I heard something outside my window. It's usually pretty quiet in my neighborhood so I went to look and see what it was.

There were 2 women and one was leaned up against a car. The other woman was hitting her with a belt. They were both laughing. The started to get back in the car and I heard one of them say she didn't get enough. So, they came back to the front of the car and then they switched places. This time one of them hit the other with a paddle. Then after about 5 good hits they got in their car and drove away.

Right about now, I'm laughing out loud because I have no idea what the hell that was all about. I guess that's life on a Friday night in the city. ooooooooo kayyyyyyy!

What a Woman Should Do....

...to keep a man.

It's a set up! I have been reading a hearing these lists on the radio and in magazines. At first, I listened simply wondering what the hell they were going to say. Not that I need a list to tell me how to keep a man but I'm thinking, who wrote this list?

Here are some of the things on the list:
Shave your legs
Don't gain weight
Don't let yourself go
Keep your hair long

You know the rest. Pathetic. Most of the men I know "let themselves" go as they get older. I guess I don't even see it as that. It's more like, you're getting older and you slow down. I just love how women are held to higher standard than men and we are supposed to be the ones who try to "keep a man". How about respecting me enough to want to try and "keep" me. Not keep, as in a "kept woman"....but you know what I mean.

I just think that these days women are pitted against eachother more than ever and lists like these don't help matters. When you tell someone that they have to fight for things it sets them up for failure and disaster when it comes to relationships. It would be nice if the list was like this.

Be yourself
Love yourself
Do what's right for you

Well, that is what my list is. And if and when that person comes around they will see that and say, "well damn, she's a keeper!" ;)

Pictures from Tramaganum Release Party!

1. ME and my flashy bracelet
2. Desdamona (ME) & singer Debra G
3. Me & Ray Banderez (I know we look like we're together - but, he's not my boyfriend..He's just a boy friend. ;)

New Religion

religion n. (all that centers about man's belief in or relationship to a superior being or beings) 1. belief in worship of God or gods 2. a specific system of belief, worship, etc., often involving a code of ethics.

My aunt is a minister. One unlike any other I have met - not that I have met that many. She is a truly spiritual and caring person - not condemning or elitist. I realized after reading her latest newsletter that she has actually created her own religion. Her own habits and customs.

As I read, it made me smile. I had always thought that I didn't really belong to a particular religion. None really suited me the way that I thought they should. Nothing felt just right. But what feels right is something that I do religiously, which is write anmd express my poetry. I have always considered them prayers...because they are reminders to me of who am and what I should be.

As I finished my aunt's newsletter I realized that all of the people in my life have their very own religion. My father is a fisherman and story teller. He seems to enjoy helping people and has a hard time saying no. (this is true for most of my family)My mother is a seemstress and likes to create things, watch over people and make sure that everything is just right. My sister is a teacher who is active in her community and seems to always be busy with something. My friend Rachel is a filmmaker, mother and she is always pushing the boundaries within herself and others. And my fried Deirdre is also a mother, friend and very organized person who goes the extra mile when she believes in something.

These people all have their own individual religion. The thing that keeps them going, makes them happy, and keeps them gounded. They all have a great sense of community which shines through in all their actions. It's not about going to church or even claiming a particular religion. These people are true to themselves and others, giving and caring people. I don't know exactly what they believe deep in their hearts but I know that they all feel love, lonliness, compassion, respect, joy, saddness and have a strong will to live. And they religiously reach for something better every day.

Assignment for the Day!

Your Sanctuary

Make a list of things they would make your sanctuary - your sacred place.

What does it smell like?
Look like?
Sound like?
Feel like?
If it could speak what would it say?
How was it created?
What is it made of?

write it down. Creat your sanctuary.

TapeRecorda Duplicata

I have been performing in the Twin Cities since 1997 and over the years I have seen a lot of great performers with unique, interesting styles and modes of expression. My favorites are always the ones who have their own little twist. Tops on my list are Brother Ali, Slug, Truth Maze, the now defunct 3 Kings, and Carnage. Unfortunately there is a down side to the scene that people don't seem to talk about too much. It's the "Duplicator syndrome", as I like to call it. There are a plethera of clones who seem to be so influenced by some of the better known MPLS hip hop cats that they sound like another version of them. I find it disturbing and uninspiring...and very, very disappointing.

I don't know if it's conscious thing or if it's just from listening to a particular artist way too much. And, I don't know why anyone would ever want to sound like someone else. You will always end up second best. Not that the point is to be the best...But isn't it to be unique and to tell your story, your way?

There are a lot of baby Slug's - male and female. I suppose you could say it's a form of flattery but I find it a form of annoyance. Some say it's the "Minneapolis Sound" and I disagree. If it was the "Minneapolis Sound" then everyone would sound the same. Musab doesn't sound like Slug or vice versa. Ali doesn't sound like I Self Devine, etc....

Picture this...2 Mos Def's. What would it be like if there were 2 of him? Umi said, "...shine your light on the world. Shine YOUR light for the world to see." When the world sees you shining your neighbors flashlight the next thing they will notice is your falseness. I find is passive-aggressively disrespectful to the person who is being biten. Riding off of what someone esle has created is slimy and dishonest in my eyes. The mainstream is already saturated with stuff that sounds so similar that you don't even think about who the MC is. I don't know why this happens because in the end, people don't remember who won the award or who was being played all the time. They remember who stood out, who was ahead of their time, who didn't get enough shine.

I wish that people would strive to find their own voice and not worry about what's "in" or what people are already hooked into. To truly grow we need more unique voices out there to push forward. We should be incomparable. Memorable. Undefinable. Undeniably Original.

Random, Breathing, Creativity

Once again, it is too hot. The day started off with a nice thunder storm and pouring rain. It was about 75 degrees and windy. The weather man kept saying it was going to get up to 100. I didn't believe it because at 1:30 it wasn't even above 80 yet. But, here I am in my un-airconditioned apartment sweating my bootay off in the heat. Nope, I still haven't bought that airconditioner.

Other than that, everything is good. I performed at The Fallout Art Festival to a crowd of about 20 people and when I walked off stage someone bought a CD from me right then. That was nice. Small crowds are harder than a room full of people. But you do what you do and someone always appreciates it.

For the past 2 weeks I have been doing at least one thing every day to promote my newly released CD and today I haven't done ANYTHING>>> I promised myself that I would do one thing every day to promote the CD. That way I couldn't be mad at myself for not putting out the effort. I guess the show today was effort...So, maybe I did do something.

Soon my website will have some of my poetry & lyrics up so watch for that in the days to come. My site address is listed on the side of my blog and you can click and go.

Leave me a message. peace, des

Sold Out

Not many people can say that they can sell out the largest venue in their city but RhymeSayers can. Tonight was the 10th Anniversary Party for RSE and the place was packed.
I didn't get there until around 9pm. I was hoping to miss some of the crowd. But, when I got there there was a sea of people waving their hands in the air. It was HOT and crowded, loud and fresh. Of course, I missed a large portion of the show but I saw a number of performers. I also saw my girl Rachel across the sea taking pictures from the stairs. Never saw her after that....
I saw a lot of local hip hop cats outside of RhymeSayers like, Carnage, Adam Garcia, Franz Diego, MissRead, Dancin Dave and many more. I'm sure I missed a few because I never really got to the other side of the room.
I couldn't help but stand there and smile at what RhymeSayers has created over the years. I wish them much more success in the years to come and I am happy that they represent Minneapolis and themselves the way they do.

(above is a picture of RhymeSayers artist and my friend, Brother Ali...You're now rockin with the champion!)

the best salsa ever!

All summer long I make salsa. I can't stand the stuff in jars. I think it's disgusting and it doesn't even taste right. Once you've had real salsa there's no going back to the jar stuff. So, here's how to make it yourself. Taste it along the way and add or subtract to your liking.

3 or 4 decent sized tomatoes
1 onion (red and sweet onion)
2 cloves of garlic
cilantro
1 jalepeno pepper - if you like it HOT!!!! Try Habanero, but be careful!
ground cumin (add as much as you like)
A pinch of sugar
A pinch of salt

Dice up the vegetables and add the other ingradients. Then get your bag of chips and eat up!!! You won't be able to stop.
My mom adds a little red wine vinegar to hers.

Realistically Romantic

ok, so what's with people (women in particular) who say things like, "...When I was 22 I decided that I would be married by the time I was 28. Now I'm 28 and I'm not married. Where I come from, 28 is old...." What the hell is this?

Or the people who say that they didn't really want to get married but they did it because it was "...the right thing to do." What? The right thing to do it to be true to yourself.

Or the, "Well, we've been together for a long time...we might as well get married." No. You should get married because you want to. Not because it's the right thing to do. Or because of pressure.

Which brings up another issue I have with the topic of marriage...People who pressure their partners to get married. Geez, if you have to pressure someone do you really think that that's what they want. Aren't you just guilting them into a situation. Something that over 50% of the time ends in divorce.

I'm all for love and relationships but this whole, "I should be married by..." is total crap and so unrealistic. I think that when it's really right you just know it. There is no, "we might as well." or anything. It just is. And it's good.

I know people don't want to be alone...but I know there are plently of married people who feel very alone. So, being married doesn't cure loneliness. It's just an illusion. Take your time. As much time as you need. And you may have to wait a long time but it will be worth the wait. Settling for something less will only bring pain.

Too Damn HOT!

ok, I'm a midwestern girl. Grew up in Iowa where the four seasons are apparent and beautiful. Now I live in Minnesota which is about 6 hours north of my home town. The seasons here are simliar but after living here for about 10 years I have noticed the difference between here and my origin. Here there are basically 2 seasons. When we get four it's out of the oridinary. This year was one of those out of the ordinary years. We've had every season and I have been enjoying it until recently. Our 7 day stint of atrocious heat has driven me to buy another fan for my house and now I am seriously considering buying an air conditioner. Someone told me they're only $60 at Target. But, since I've waited so long there are probably none left.

Now, I am sort of a wimp when it comes to summer. Unless there is some water around I don't really care to be outside. Give me below 80 degrees and I'm fine. But after that I become sluggish and lazy. As I am now.

It has been above 90 and I know that there are some states that I have been to where the thermostat goes above and beyond what I consider hot. I have expereinced those places and honestly I don't know how people survive.

So, I am trying to think cool thoughts. I brought some bribery treats to my friend Rachel (who has air conditioning)I came with gifts of Hostess Ding Dongs, Hershey's chocolate, Kit Kat, KC Masterpiece Chips and soda. The request was for treats and chocolate so I do believe I came through. And my gift is to sit in the air conditioning.

Come Back To Life

Today is when it starts. You come back to life. You do something that you don't usually do. Go somewhere alone and enjoy it.

Or, have dessert and love every last bite

go swimming

sit in the sun for at least 15 minutes while drinking the lemonade you just sqeezed yourself

go to the record store and look for some good music

get a pedicure

get a massage

if you're single ask someone out with no expectations

take a drive to who knows where

get a new pair of shoes to walk around the lake in

call a friend you haven't seen in a while and have lunch

rent a bunch of movies, have lots of treats and invite a friend over to enjoy it with you

go listen to live music

A Day in the Sun and The Darkest Night

Yesterday I decided to do something for myself. My friend Rachel and her 8 year old daughter Tiana, along with another little friend went to the swimming pool. It was really good for me. We were only there for about an hour but the mixture of sun and water helped me a lot. I guess I can't really explain what it did but I needed it.

Then last night at the open mic that I host at the Blue Nile Restaurant all these great people kept showing up. People I haven't seen in a while...and people who I really like to see. We had a really good, eclectic show and then around 12:30am the lights went out. But the show didn't stop. There was still the drum and the voice. And everybody stayed for over a half on hour either taking part in the cipher or listening. It was really fun and again, I needed that. The light never came back on so we all left a little earlier than normal.

Here Kitty, Kitty

Yesterday my neighbors called me to tell me that there had been a large group of cats on my back porch earlier that morning. Think horror movie...

So I went to the back when I got off the phone and there was one little guy left. I wasn't sure if he was tame so I just left some food for him and went away. He left shortly after I gave him the food and I haven't seen him since.

Today, I was on my way home from teaching a workshop and as I was driving down my block I see this big group of cats in someone's front yard. I knew theses had to be the same cats that had been on my porch so I decided to call animal control to see if they would come and pick them up. Or something.

When I called the operator told me that there is no leashing law so they can't come and pick them up. She told me that if they were in a cage or a box they could come and pick them up. I was thinking, "If I got them in a cage I would just bring them to you." Isn't this what "animal control" is supposed to do....pick up strays, and
"fix" them so that they don't continue to breed and get out of control?

I love animals but the thought of a bunch of stray cats roaming around my house isn't cool. And if they keep having more and more babies, it will be insane. Of course, I suppose it is possible that these cats have an owner but I find it hard to believe.

It's in the Family

The Great Flower Bulb War - by my Dad...a.k.a. Perry O. Ross

Growing up I, and most of the kids I knew, had the run of the town. At one time or another we might be in any corner of the community and I don't think I was ever afraid. Since organized activities for kids were limited in those days we had to invent or create our own entertainment. I had my best times, far greater times, in those invented activities than in the organized ones. I think I learned more too. I was never at a loss for something to do and don't remember being bored. We were often very creative.

One game that we played community wide was Army. Kids would join one side or the other and the game might last for days. Today such games are considered too violent for kids but we didn't worry about things like that back them. We knew it was just a game.

One day in the middle of one of these three-day wars we met in our garage in the morning to plan the assault on Pat Fitch's troops that were bivouacked in Saunders Park. As we were discussing our plan one of our troops arrived. It was Billy Jackson. He had a huge grin on his face. He said, “Look!” and held out his hand. In it rested a flower bulb. “Hand grenades!” he said and we all ooohed and awed. He had discovered the newly planted flower bulbs in the Clark's garden on the corner near his house.

We knew immediately we needed a lot more and went to the garden and filled our pockets and carried all we could hold. We no sooner got back to my house and my mother was on us! Now my mother didn't typically get too upset but she clearly was this time. Mrs. Clark had watched us from her house as we did our dirty work in her garden.

The punishment, besides the scolding I got, was for us to replant, as best we could, all of those bulbs under the supervision of my father and Mr. Clark.

We were impulsive kids; I guess, and sometimes did things with little thought of the implications. We really didn't think we were stealing flowers. We thought we were simply gathering ammunition for the war. That was one time our creativity didn't pay.

Toot Your Own Horn...Or, Let Someone Else Do It

The first time I heard Desdamona I was at a hip hop show in Minneapolis. When she stepped up on the stage with her slightly tussled hair in two hair buns, sweet subtle smile and natural serene beauty, I would have never expected to hear what it is that flew off of her tongue. She showed strong lyrical talent in many different fashions and on various levels. It was almost like everything that lay dormant in my head but never would have dreamt of putting into a lyrical concoction came flowing out of her mouth. So when I heard her full-length debut album, “The Ledge” was out on the shelves, I was eager to find out if this poetic princess would impress me the way she did that night on stage.

Desdamona has many different explanations for what “The Ledge” means to her, which she took the time to write out in her album liner notes. So listeners may feel like they are given a glimpse of her thought process even before they actually listen to the album. Desdamona wastes no time grabbing the attention of true Hip Hop lovers with a creation spit a cappella called, “I Wanted To Be an MC”. This is a tribute to all the great M.C.’s who we grew up on when we initially embraced this culture as our own. With this heartfelt piece, Desdamona tells the story of an eager female struggling to establish herself as a viable entity in the vast biosphere that is Hip Hop. She intricately weaves the names of various well-known artists in such a fashion that you have no choice but to chuckle over. Indeed a great intro to her album.

Desdamona is provided the perfect platform for her mission to define herself as she chooses varying tempos of well-arranged, high-caliber production. I was most pleasantly moved by the “Don’t Listen 2 The Lyrics”. Produced by the infamous reggae pioneers, Sly & Robbie (also the producers of half the album), this track may throw you off because it starts off sounding like just another R. Kelly bootie shaking “Fiesta” beat. But instead of lyrics reflecting demeaning images and views of women like we would normally expect, it consists of the exact opposite. It tells the tales of how we as females always feel we fall short of the images that the media, mainstream radio and videos expects us to live up to. Like the lyrics go: “The mainstream seeps into subconscious/And slowly she feels worthless/like success might lie in a bikini on uncut BET…”

Onto a different vibe, “Swing Down” boasts the smooth laid back track with Desdemona’s crisp sultry voice, in which she sings the entire song. I have to say her singing is quite impressive, as this track gives the prolific Neo-soul reminiscent Goapele a run for her money! Desdamona shows a very intimate side of herself that we can all relate to.

I must say I was waiting for some real show off, back in the day, scratchin’ now and again on this album. Not to mention that I have a strong desire to hear her sing entire songs, in an attempt to master yet another angle of vocalization. Although Desdamona prides herself in being a spoken word extraordinaire, this album contains something to get your booty grooving or your mind a thinking. Whether you are into Spoken Word, Neo- Soul, Reggae, Hip Hop, or even R&B there is something here that will kick flava in your ear.

Desdemona recites lyrics on this album suggesting she has spent much of her life reading poetry, listening to old school jams & studying the rhymes of hip hop pioneers far and wide reflecting exactly who she is as an artist. She sets out to inform you of what esoteric thoughts her mind manufactures in a skillfully poetic manner, while maintaining a knack to entertain the listener. Mmmm…Mission accomplished.

Charli Marie

And the saying goes...

You know how people always say that you have to struggle to get to the top or that there is always a struggle to get where you are going...and how it makes you appreciate it more. As this has been true for me throughout my life...I have to say that I think it's a lie. I mean, I don't believe that you HAVE to go through hell to get to the good stuff. I think that's a lie we tell ourselves so that when we go through the crappy stuff the good stuff is just on the other side and we deserve it- so don't worry. It's coming. It somehow makes it easier.

I feel like this mindset can really be our downfall. It's like, "Well, I gotta go through hell to get anything good. I just need to toughin up and I'll make it." eh! And I think a lot of people use it as their crutch to never try and have something good.

I think most of it really comes down to bad decision making and lack of intuition. When I go through rough spots it's a direct reflection of the decisions I made along the way. I have myself to blame...but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm going to get through it not because I want to...but, because I have to. And not because I have to go through maddness to get to happiness.

I'm not into "self help" books but this past year I ran across "the four agreements" and it has actually changed my perspective a lot - and has molded this post. The book is really about looking at things in a different way. There are other books by the same author that explore philosophies and present ways of dealing with things in a different way. It's worth the read. I think I can garantee that anyone who reads it will walk away with something.

It wasn't my intention to promote the book in this post but as I was typing I realized that some of the ideas I was writing were a direct reflection of the book - so I decided to use the space to talk about it.

Rambling on & on,
desdamona

Desdamona's Picks

Movie:
Dangerous Beauty - based on Veronica Franco. The true story of a women (poet) who defied convention in 16th century Venice.

Lagally Blond - because it's just fun & cute.

Books:

1. The Poisonwood Bible
2. The Red Tent
3. The Crimson Petal and the White (I'm intrigued by stories of women/outcasts in society and how they survived)
4. Testimony of an Irish Slave Girl
5. The Four Agreements
6. The Trouble with Christmas

All of these books changed me in some small way. Most of my choices deal with spirituality, survival, and people who have been outcast. All of the above picks deal with those topics in some way or another.

What's Goin' Down On The Up-Side

You should check my girl Rachel's blog. She's a phD student at the U of M and she is doing amazing things. The latest on her blog is information about an online hip hop class.



Also, check Miss Miranda Jane's Blog to catch up on current events in the hip hop realm and more. This girl can type/ write her ass off and she mos def has some stories to tell.

I know I've posted links to their blogs in the past but this is just a gentil reminder that you should really check these lovelies out. And, if you feel the urge leave comments on their blogs. They would love to hear from you.

One Campaign

Support the ONE Campaign!

Every day is the end of the world for someone

When I watched the news today my heart sank. The bombings in England are yet another sign that will live in an extremely volitile world. Fundamentalists often talk about "the end" coming soon. They've been talking about this for years. The things is, it's the end of the world every single day for someone living on this planet. 10 people died in that bus today in England. How many more were injured in the 4 explosions? How many will never forget that moment for the rest of their lives?

Later in the day I watched Oprah. It was a re-run of the "Undercover Brother" phenomenon. Men who are supposedly "straight" and married or in relationships with women who secretly pursue sexual relationships with other men. It seems like no one is using protection anymore.

Oprah stated that 78 percent of the new HIV cases for women were African American women. This is a devistating number. I have heard people say that it is inaccurate but at this point I think that debating it's accuracy is a disservice to the people of this country. Something is very wrong. Even if this disease had only struck ONE person...That is one life that we would have lost due to ignorance and secrecy.

The truth is that this disease is running rampant through almost every community - from small towns, elderly communities, colleges, arts communities, and on and on and on. It will not stop. People fear to find out if they are infected because they say it will destroy them. But, I think that the truth is not that they are afraid it will destory them....but that it will hinder them from being able to pursue sexually intimate contact with others without feeling guilty or having to tell the truth.

We all want love, sex, intimacy. The reality of knowing that you may not be able to experience this intimacy and the stigma that we have placed on the disease stops people from wanting to know if they are infected. Can we create a world where you can love someone deeply and truly and be satisfied without being sexual - or find ways to be sexual without risking another persons life or health? I don't know the answer but I wish I did.

This world keeps becoming more scary to me. Every day I try to create something from love, concern, compassion, understanding and life. We need to come back to life.