Preditor & Prey

One of my friends who is a recovering addict told me that when he was having an evaluation upon entrance into a half way house they told him that he was a preditor. I almost laughed when he told me because I had never thought of him in that way. He's probably one of the most polite and respectful men I know, outside of my dad. He told me that he was floored when he was told that he was a preditor and thought it was a bit extreme, to say the least. But he also admitted that he was probably acting like a preditor. He just didn't realize it and how it manipulated others.

I have met preditors up close and personal as I believe that all women have. Now, I'm not talking about rapists or violent people. The preditor behavior I'm talking about is passive aggressive and I think most women find it a form of flattery.

I host an open mic every week at a local restaurant. We have a live band and many artists from various backgrounds who come down to listen or perform. We are just starting our third year and in this time I have been the host and people watcher. I've seen the effect that alcohol can have on nice people, and I have seen idiotic behavior and unnecessary fights, in this mostly peaceful environment. This is also the perfect place for a preditor to scope out and find his next target.

One of the musicians who used to come down on a regular basis was the poster boy for preditor. You may not have known it by looking at him though. He was attractive and works in his church and a leader and director. But when he was present at the open mic he seemed to be an entirely different person. Many times he would come near me, head tilted down, eyes up, looking me up and down....and actually acting like a lion ready for the kill. I'm not overexaggerating. It was blatant and in my eyes, totally disrespectful and made him look like a complete fool.

I asked him to stop numerous times but he contunued as if he thought it was funny. He would say sexual things when he thought he could get away with it – nothing too out there, but enough to make me back up. It was mostly the way he would circle around me or come behind me and pull my hair. There were also times when he came over to me and said, “come here.” as he tried to pull my by the arm over to some other spot in the room. No, he didn't ask me to come over or even take me by the hand. He'd either grab my upper arm or my wrist and try to pull me to where he wanted me to go. My response was to pull away – every time.

The problem with this possessive and preditorial behavior is that many women get treated in this way on regular basis and THEY PUT UP WITH IT! I think that women want someone to want them so badly that they see this behavior as desire and it makes them feel special. And I see some men who act like this and I don't even think that they realize what they are doing. I think we are raising men to act in this way. It's not all their fault....or ours. But, there obviously needs to be a change in how women are treated.

As a women some of the things I have heard men say that were directed towards me have literally made me stop in my tracks...and it wasn't to turn around and say HI. I have had a boy on the street make sexual remarks to me. I could have been his mother. That's how young he was. I've been in the mall and had young men say things as I'm walking down the hall. I've been downtown, walking down the street and a man followed me for a whole block trying to get me to talk to him, telling me he had a bachelor's degree, and sayin, “Come on, I have a college degree. Come on!” Finally, I turned around and said, “Man, I'm trying to walk down the street and I need you to leave me the fuck alone.” He left me alone but he caught a women coming from the other direction.

I don't even feel like walking in my own neighborhood and it's not a fear of violence that stops me. It's that I don't feel like getting howled at or having a car drive slowly down the street only to pull up next to me and stare at me. All of the things I have mentioned can tend to feel like a prison and have also hindered me from doing the things that I want to do. I hate that that is true....but it is.

Women are taught to be aware of others and to mother. I know I'm gerneralizing but I do think that women are more aware of the needs of people around them, even strangers. My hope is that men will start opening their eyes a little wider and even check their own and others actions before doing any of these things to women.